Parker The Dog, Esquire

Friends, humans, pandas,

To begin, let me say that I am somewhat new to these “weblogs,” as they are known, so I apologize if I do not use the parlance or rules that have arisen in this nouvelle medium.

That said, I was invited to speak on the topic of these young pups that are being filmed for a show known as “The Real World.” I live across the street and have to put up with the tomfoolery they and their stalkers/devotees/disciples bring to my neighborhood. And let me tell you…I am NOT pleased!

Does a dog not have a right to her territory? I have lived in this neighborhood for 3 years and peed on this “Real World” house multiple times. Using the precedence of Fido v. Queen Victoria, any residence that a dog has peed on for over 1 year becomes wholly or partially property of said dog. As a homeowner, I had no say whether these fiends would move into my property! Worse, I can no longer relieve myself on this house due to gentlemen who threaten to call the super-villain known as Dog-Catcher.

Furthermore, when I take my human slaves outside to exercise them, where is a respectable lady like myself supposed to walk when these humans take up all the street being videotaped and recorded??? I do respect these “Real World”-ers for having human slaves like myself but my goodness! Have some control over your human slaves!

Last, there is a panda that lives in that house. Now, I know many fine Pandas–not just the Pandas that live in the palatial estate on Connecticut, but also the Pandas that are currently plotting to become the new royalty in Myanmar. However, this “panda” seems to be some kind of manimal–possibly the kind that prostitute-loving Senator David Vitter has recently warned the animals about. He seems somewhat poorly bathed and does not eat bamboo at all. This panda may have Stockholm Syndrome. My brethren and I shall keep you updated on his status.

I will not lie…I shall miss the folk across the street. Because for all of their faults, they do have one redeeming quality that myself and many other dogs do enjoy–their shit does stink.

Barkingly Yours,

Parker The Dog